Authors: Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

I’ve read a lot of parenting books and recommended very few. This is one I will definitely be recommending. It’s really about communication and how to be better at it, applicable well beyond parenting. (I’ve tried a few of these techniques already during several tricky conversations with peers/adults and, well, they’re helpful). The examples are out-dated and mostly geared toward parents with younger children but (anecdotal evidence ahead) the concepts have been pretty effective with my teens. Each chapter has an “Assignment” section with activities you can do to cement those concepts in place. I skipped these, but I did find some of the “real parent stories” at the end of each chapter helpful. You could skim this book in an hour or so, get the main ideas, and put them to use right away.

Notes

• There’s a direct connection between how kids feel and how they behave
• If we accept their feelings, and help them process the feelings in a safe way (and learn the skills to do so), they’re able to deal with tricky or difficult feelings and move forward
• Parents often invalidate, ignore, dismiss their children’s feelings. The message is: don’t trust your own perceptions of what you feel, trust mine instead. Or the message is: How you feel isn’t important, only how I feel (about your feelings) is important.
• We say things like: “You’re just….” or “You couldn’t be” or “You don’t mean that” or “You don’t really feel that way.”
• We may be accepting about most feelings but get triggered and reactive about certain feelings.
• Typical parent responses to feelings we don’t like in our kids:
  • denial — there’s no reason to feel that way… you were probably just tired… you’re blowing it out of proportion..it can’t be that bad…
  • philosophical — life is like that.. these things happen… everybody goes through this sort of thing… it’s not worth being so upset over, be more zen, accept what is…
  • advice — here’s what you should do… how to fix it… how to solve it… what to say… how to get rid of the feelings or get back at the person who caused them…
  • questions — what exactly were you thinking… why did you do that… why didn’t you do this… didn’t you think about… has this ever happened before… did you consider doing…
  • defense of other person — they probably didn’t mean it… maybe they’re having a bad day… from their perspective…
  • pity — oh how awful… uber sympathy… of course you feel that way… that’s so terrible… i feel so bad for you… i’m so sorry for you…
  • psychoanalysis — maybe you’re really upset because… you probably feel that way since this or that happened in the past… is this a trauma response… are you repressing something… what’s really going on inside of you… maybe you have some internal shit you need to deal with…
• better: empathetic response! that sounds rough… it makes sense you’d feel that way… that sounds like a tough situation… i get why you’d be frustrated…
• to help with feelings:
  • 1. listen with full attention
    • eye contact, turn away distractions, sympathetic silence, don’t rush in with your own responses, don’t be afraid of a sympathetic silence. room for the pause.
  • 2. acknowledge their feelings with a word (or two) (Oh, I see, Hmm, Ah, Yes, Mmm)
    • listening + caring attitude + simple, short acknowledgements = space for child to explore and acknowledge their own feelings and decide how to handle the situation
  • 3. give their feelings a name
    • putting a clear specific name to the feeling(s) is validating and comforting. it’s a powerful way to acknowledge someone’s inner experience.
  • 4. give them their wishes in a fantasy
    • don’t prescribe a reasonable response. it’s okay to indulge in fantasies that are over-the-top - kids get it, and it helps to have someone understand how strong your feelings are and make reality easier to bear
• scripts to help with acknowledging feelings
  • sounds like that was embarrassing
  • you’re really frustrated
  • he made you really angry
  • i bet you were disappointed
  • seems like you’re unsure
  • you’re feeling overloaded, huh
  • oof, that must have been frustrating
  • that could be really upsetting
  • wow you’re angry!
  • it’s not easy to handle that pressure
  • oh sounds like that really hurt
  • how painful, yikes!
• All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited.
  • distinguish between Feeling / Saying / Doing
    • “Your brother made you really angry. You can tell him how you feel, but hitting is off limits.”
    • “Sounds like you’re really frustrated with my decision. That’s understandable, but screaming mean names at me is not okay.”
    • “I don’t like what I just heard from you. If you’re angry about something, find another way to tell me.”
  • All feelings are permitted…but you don’t have to let children behave in a way that’s unacceptable to you.
  • “…when we accept our children’s feelings they are more able to accept the limits we set for them.”

What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what they’re experiencing.