I know how to push myself and I know how to indulge myself. I know how to punish myself and I know how to numb myself. But I don’t know how to take care of myself. I don’t know how to nurture myself the way I have tried to nurture my children. I don’t know how to balance needs and wants. I don’t know how to give myself the healthy combination of comfort and challenge that I need.

I don’t know how to nurture my own growth. I know how to demand things of myself. I know how to hype myself into motivation that lasts as long as it can. I know how to feel bad when the motivation fades and I can’t force myself to keep up the superhuman effort I was putting in. I know how to have unreasonable expectations of myself. I know how to detach when I fail to meet those expectations.

But I don’t know how to take care of myself. How to be kind to myself. How to nurture who I am. I’ve spend so much of my life trying to take care of others, doing my best to see what they needed, to provide support, to encourage growth, to help, to care, to be there. But I haven’t figured out what I need, or how to give it to myself. I don’t know how to help myself. I need to learn.