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The book is about “healing the wounds of deception and betrayal” and it would have been helpful a couple of years ago, when I was really grappling with the fact that my partner was, indeed, a liar, and that our entire relationship was full of, built on, lies. Many lies. His lies, and also: my lies. My lies to myself. I think that’s the most powerful part of this book. Forward addresses different types of deception and why it’s such a betrayal, then she turns the spotlight on us (me) and says: But your own lies are allowing this whole thing to continue. And she’s right, of course. I skimmed some parts of this book. Some repetitiveness, some things just not relevant. Felt validated to read some of her recommended methods and strategies for dealing with a deceptive partner, making decisions, moving forward, healing were things I’d kind of stumbled my way into through the process.

Women suffer uniquely when lies pop up in a relationship because, as we’ll see, when a man lies to a woman, both of them blame her.

…[She] had done what many women do: projected her own character and values onto [him]. She assumed that since she was being honest with him, he was automatically being honest with her.

When a man’s lies of commission are part of a broad deception about the nature of his character, they can form a persuasive mirage that’s hard to dispel, even when it’s challenged by the truth.

the “open” strategy:

…faced with the gap between her glowing perception of [him] and the more troubling reality, [she] held onto her original perception. She felt she could trust him—after all, he’d been so ‘open,’ it was inconceivable to her that everything he’d said…was fabricated. (p10)

Lies as protection:

A man’s lies serve both to protect some of his powerful needs and to shield him from a variety of unpleasant feelings, fears, and consequences. …when lying becomes a deeply ingrained part of his behavior, it’s usually because these needs and fears have come together in a way that makes lying seem not only convenient for him but almost mandatory.

Fears about the truth (it gets your punished, it makes powerful people angry with you, it makes you look bad, etc.) mixed with other needs (e.g. need to always look good, need to avoid rejection, need to be seen as a good person) = powerful motivation to keep lying. (p50)

No matter how crazy your relationship may have been, there will still be an inevitable sense that you must have done something wrong. … Most women go through this kind of self-flagellation after any kind of breakup. But these questions (How could I have been so blind? etc), as painful as they may be, are actually a form of recognition. …They are a sure sign that your eyes are now fully open and your ability to respond with appropriate emotion is intact. They are a sign that you are no longer the woman who accepted the abnormal and convinced yourself that it was just fine.

…you can risk opening yourself up again when you’re ready, and even risk being deceived again, because now you have survival skills you didn’t have before. That means you don’t have to wear armor for protection. Instead, you can tap the wisdom that resides in your wounds.

Innocent, unquestioning love is a casualty of betrayal… look at trust as something that is not a tentative, fearful venture toward another person but rather a safe, clear path that leads you home, to the strength in yourself. …What if you stopped worrying so much about trusting the other person and instead focused on trusting yourself?